1 00:00:00,169 --> 00:00:01,887 Previously on United States of Tara... 2 00:00:01,896 --> 00:00:03,257 So, on the scale of gayness, 3 00:00:03,283 --> 00:00:05,519 I'm thinking Alex would be a 10. 4 00:00:05,529 --> 00:00:07,880 - What do you think I am? - Like a 5. 5 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,434 I am not a 5. 6 00:00:09,468 --> 00:00:11,569 I want to talk to you sometime 7 00:00:11,604 --> 00:00:13,805 maybe about... maybe buying this place. 8 00:00:13,839 --> 00:00:16,241 We're so excited to have our own little family, 9 00:00:16,275 --> 00:00:18,143 but Charmaine said she can't imagine doing it anywhere but here. 10 00:00:18,177 --> 00:00:20,545 Found out today that the baby's not Nick's. 11 00:00:20,579 --> 00:00:21,813 It's Neil's. 12 00:00:21,847 --> 00:00:23,114 Charmaine's pregnant with your baby. 13 00:00:23,149 --> 00:00:24,315 What? 14 00:00:24,350 --> 00:00:26,017 I don't know. What do you want me to do? 15 00:00:26,051 --> 00:00:28,086 I want you to get him to sign something 16 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:29,921 saying he's never gonna come back and try to be a father to our kid. 17 00:00:29,955 --> 00:00:31,489 I'm not signing anything. 18 00:00:31,524 --> 00:00:33,291 You told me to get an abortion! 19 00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:35,393 I'm your princess Valhalla Hawkwind, 20 00:00:35,428 --> 00:00:37,195 and your wish is my ultimate command. 21 00:00:37,229 --> 00:00:38,963 Would you ever meet in person? 22 00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:42,100 So, if you ever get tired of pretending to be a princess online 23 00:00:42,134 --> 00:00:44,235 and you want to be treated like one for real, 24 00:00:44,270 --> 00:00:46,271 I'd love to be the guy to do it. 25 00:00:46,305 --> 00:00:48,339 Do you remember someone named Mimi? 26 00:00:48,374 --> 00:00:51,876 I have this memory of you and me and this woman named Mimi. 27 00:00:51,911 --> 00:00:53,678 Nope. 28 00:00:55,614 --> 00:00:58,049 Last night, I stopped at cat five's for a beer. 29 00:00:58,083 --> 00:01:00,718 You had a thing with Pammy? 30 00:01:00,753 --> 00:01:02,353 Yeah. 31 00:01:04,256 --> 00:01:05,824 I knew it. 32 00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:08,793 Oh, God, Max. 33 00:01:08,828 --> 00:01:17,830 Sync by honeybunny - corrected by chamallow www.Addic7ed.Com 34 00:02:14,193 --> 00:02:16,594 Let's go home, Tara. 35 00:02:16,629 --> 00:02:18,396 Charmaine, we can't. 36 00:02:19,798 --> 00:02:22,166 I don't even know how to get there. 37 00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:25,904 Happy by-sennial, Mimi. 38 00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:28,239 And to you, too, girls. 39 00:02:28,274 --> 00:02:29,974 Go on, my dears. 40 00:02:30,009 --> 00:02:33,344 It's a parade. You're supposed to have fun. 41 00:02:33,379 --> 00:02:35,246 Don't talk to anyone. 42 00:02:56,702 --> 00:02:58,870 Hey, buddy. 43 00:02:58,904 --> 00:03:00,204 What's wrong now? 44 00:03:00,239 --> 00:03:02,340 Oh, I'm just sleeping on the couch... 45 00:03:02,374 --> 00:03:03,708 better for my back. 46 00:03:03,742 --> 00:03:05,743 Mm. Completely believable explanation. 47 00:03:05,778 --> 00:03:08,479 As you know, I am 8 years old and very, very slow. 48 00:03:08,514 --> 00:03:10,949 It's complicated, Marsh. 49 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:13,718 Well, if you guys get divorced, I'm keeping the house. 50 00:03:13,752 --> 00:03:16,788 I can't change schools. Shawnee North has gangs. 51 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:19,290 Everything's fine. 52 00:03:19,325 --> 00:03:21,859 Well, I'm going to make breakfast. 53 00:03:21,894 --> 00:03:23,895 Know who will always be together? 54 00:03:23,929 --> 00:03:25,930 Me... and warm, delicious strudel. 55 00:03:25,965 --> 00:03:27,465 Everything's fine? 56 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:28,933 You tell me. 57 00:03:28,968 --> 00:03:31,169 I didn't sleep with someone else this week. 58 00:03:31,203 --> 00:03:32,437 Yeah, not this week. 59 00:03:34,306 --> 00:03:36,708 I'm fuckin' wrecked. 60 00:03:36,742 --> 00:03:38,910 I don't want people tromping through our life. 61 00:03:38,944 --> 00:03:41,145 I want to call off the open house. 62 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,281 The sign is up. They put the ad in the paper. It's time. 63 00:03:43,315 --> 00:03:45,016 Nick and Charmaine, then. It'll be done. 64 00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:46,551 Just 'cause they're next door 65 00:03:46,585 --> 00:03:47,919 doesn't mean you got to see them. 66 00:03:47,953 --> 00:03:49,854 We're having the open house, okay? 67 00:03:49,888 --> 00:03:52,624 We just need people who will stay out of our lives. 68 00:03:52,658 --> 00:03:55,259 Find some nice Indian family, just off the boat... 69 00:03:55,294 --> 00:03:56,628 no English. 70 00:03:56,662 --> 00:03:58,329 Maybe once a year, I say, 71 00:03:58,364 --> 00:04:00,765 "good morning, Mr. Gupta. Have a happy diwali." 72 00:04:00,799 --> 00:04:04,302 And he nods, and we go back to our... 73 00:04:04,336 --> 00:04:07,438 What... our life? 74 00:04:07,473 --> 00:04:09,040 Yeah, it's coming back. 75 00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:16,447 Yeah, we've dealt with a lot of shit, you know? 76 00:04:16,482 --> 00:04:17,915 But I never thought he would do that. 77 00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:20,018 Really? I did. 78 00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,386 Mm. Terrific. 79 00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:23,354 I mean, seriously, how many people 80 00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:25,823 have your alters slept with since you've been married? 81 00:04:25,858 --> 00:04:28,359 I counted once. 82 00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:33,031 In our life, I think it's somewhere between 33 and 35. 83 00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:36,968 I mean, God, it was bound to happen. 84 00:04:37,002 --> 00:04:38,636 Yeah, but he didn't just cheat on me. 85 00:04:38,671 --> 00:04:40,171 He slept with Pammy, 86 00:04:40,205 --> 00:04:42,306 the worst person he could have possibly fucked. 87 00:04:42,341 --> 00:04:45,610 No, the worst person he could have possibly fucked is probably me. 88 00:04:47,513 --> 00:04:50,314 You seriously won't sell us that house? 89 00:04:50,349 --> 00:04:51,983 No! Stop asking me to do that! 90 00:04:52,017 --> 00:04:53,718 Is it because you don't love me? 91 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,020 No! It is because I do love you. 92 00:04:56,055 --> 00:04:57,488 God, I've fucking told you. 93 00:04:57,523 --> 00:04:59,157 All those weird dreams I have 94 00:04:59,191 --> 00:05:01,192 are somehow connected with that house. 95 00:05:01,226 --> 00:05:03,094 What, the Mimi molesty dreams? 96 00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:04,328 I never said that! 97 00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:05,930 I just said that when I have 98 00:05:05,964 --> 00:05:07,198 my obsessive thoughts about those girls, 99 00:05:07,232 --> 00:05:08,433 it's always there and not here. 100 00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:11,836 Have you ever asked mom? 101 00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:14,172 What? What would I ask her? 102 00:05:14,206 --> 00:05:16,808 Like... "Hey, mom? 103 00:05:16,842 --> 00:05:18,810 Do you remember someone named Mimi?" 104 00:05:18,844 --> 00:05:22,680 Or... I don't know... "mom, who the fuck is she?" 105 00:05:22,715 --> 00:05:24,515 I mean... I mean, Trip said 106 00:05:24,550 --> 00:05:27,085 you were already transitioning before the rape, so... 107 00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:28,920 Oh, God. You know what? 108 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,655 If you use the word "rape" or "molesty" one more time, 109 00:05:30,689 --> 00:05:32,457 I'm gonna hit you hard on the side of the head. 110 00:05:32,491 --> 00:05:34,358 God! 111 00:05:34,393 --> 00:05:37,295 Would having a little fucking grace kill you? 112 00:05:37,329 --> 00:05:38,863 Grace? 113 00:05:38,897 --> 00:05:40,631 You're talking to me about grace? 114 00:05:40,666 --> 00:05:42,734 Your fucking marriage is about to fall apart! 115 00:05:42,768 --> 00:05:44,769 Everything... your marriage, your kids! 116 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:47,171 Don't you think it's worth one call to mom? 117 00:05:47,206 --> 00:05:49,207 I don't know. 118 00:05:49,241 --> 00:05:51,609 Just to... ask? 119 00:05:54,313 --> 00:05:55,279 Wow. 120 00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,848 You look great. 121 00:05:56,882 --> 00:05:59,250 You certainly know how to dress for tennis. 122 00:05:59,284 --> 00:06:00,785 Where's your racket? 123 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,554 Oh, I have to rent one. I don't really play sports. 124 00:06:03,589 --> 00:06:04,956 I'm, you know... 125 00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,057 Delicate? 126 00:06:06,091 --> 00:06:07,525 Lazy. 127 00:06:07,559 --> 00:06:09,260 But you own the ensemble? 128 00:06:09,294 --> 00:06:11,763 Oh, I require many garments for my many moods. 129 00:06:11,797 --> 00:06:15,967 This is actually a costume from a tennis-themed dance show at my school. 130 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,869 I played Venus Williams, but then I quit. 131 00:06:17,903 --> 00:06:21,372 Hey, would you mind if I called you "Katherine" instead of "Kate"? 132 00:06:21,406 --> 00:06:23,541 Like when Tom Cruise turned "Katie" into "Kate"? 133 00:06:23,575 --> 00:06:25,810 Made her start wearing those Zac Posen sunglasses? 134 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,345 Is that a hint? 135 00:06:27,379 --> 00:06:29,680 You want me to get you some Zac Posen sunglasses? 136 00:06:29,715 --> 00:06:31,616 Just tell me. We can stop at the Nordstrom on the way to tennis. 137 00:06:31,650 --> 00:06:32,683 No! 138 00:06:32,718 --> 00:06:33,951 I'll buy you fucking Nordstrom's. 139 00:06:33,986 --> 00:06:34,919 Oh, my God! 140 00:06:34,953 --> 00:06:36,521 Or that house. 141 00:06:36,555 --> 00:06:38,556 I'll buy that house and move in so I can be on standby 142 00:06:38,590 --> 00:06:40,424 to make sure you have every single thing you need. 143 00:06:40,459 --> 00:06:42,160 I get it... you're rich. 144 00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:44,829 Whoop-diddily-Dee. Zach can have whatever he wants. 145 00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:47,465 That remains to be seen. 146 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,270 Okay, it's ringing. 147 00:06:52,304 --> 00:06:54,472 I mean, she better not insist on reading me 148 00:06:54,506 --> 00:06:56,474 one of those fucking cracked-out poems 149 00:06:56,508 --> 00:06:59,877 she writes for her "Active Senior" newsletter. 150 00:06:59,912 --> 00:07:01,412 Hi, mom! 151 00:07:01,446 --> 00:07:03,281 It's Charmaine. 152 00:07:05,417 --> 00:07:06,784 Um... 153 00:07:06,819 --> 00:07:09,921 Yeah, I'm not feeling incredibly haiku-ish at the moment, 154 00:07:09,955 --> 00:07:13,591 so do you think you could read it to me later? 155 00:07:13,625 --> 00:07:15,293 Hey... 156 00:07:15,327 --> 00:07:16,327 mom? 157 00:07:16,361 --> 00:07:17,695 Mom, I need to talk. 158 00:07:17,729 --> 00:07:20,932 Yeah, yeah, we definitely set a date. 159 00:07:20,966 --> 00:07:24,068 Yeah, Nick is completely supportive about the baby. 160 00:07:24,102 --> 00:07:26,804 Yeah, he is... very supportive. 161 00:07:26,839 --> 00:07:31,909 As... supportive as... someone could be, 162 00:07:31,944 --> 00:07:35,479 you know, who... isn't the father. 163 00:07:39,017 --> 00:07:41,118 Uh, yeah. 164 00:07:42,855 --> 00:07:45,122 Um... Neil. 165 00:07:48,060 --> 00:07:49,794 Yeah, I know. 166 00:07:51,563 --> 00:07:52,864 I know! 167 00:07:52,898 --> 00:07:55,233 That's why I'm freaking out. 168 00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:57,201 I j... 169 00:07:57,236 --> 00:07:59,237 Yeah, I just... I real... 170 00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:03,474 Look, I really need you to come here. 171 00:08:03,508 --> 00:08:05,843 I... I need... I need my mommy. 172 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:09,914 Okay. All right. 173 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:11,182 Good. 174 00:08:11,216 --> 00:08:12,483 Thanks. 175 00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:15,786 Alright, she's coming. 176 00:08:15,821 --> 00:08:17,755 Do you do that to me? 177 00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,724 Just make up wildly heightened emotions 178 00:08:19,758 --> 00:08:21,659 just to manipulate me into being there for you? 179 00:08:21,693 --> 00:08:23,461 Of course not. 180 00:08:23,495 --> 00:08:25,763 That's just for mom. 181 00:08:32,738 --> 00:08:35,172 God, I shouldn't have let you drive. 182 00:08:35,207 --> 00:08:37,541 You're sweating all over the place. 183 00:08:37,576 --> 00:08:38,643 Nervous? 184 00:08:38,677 --> 00:08:40,244 I'm not nervous. 185 00:08:40,279 --> 00:08:42,580 I've been to this park a hundred times on school trips. 186 00:08:42,614 --> 00:08:46,751 You know, it's the site of the only World War I museum in the whole country. 187 00:08:46,785 --> 00:08:49,253 You can't tell it by my face, but I'm actually very excited. 188 00:08:49,288 --> 00:08:52,089 Look, we don't have to... do anything. 189 00:08:52,124 --> 00:08:54,759 We just have to... you know, get out of the car 190 00:08:54,793 --> 00:08:57,194 and... see what happens. 191 00:08:57,229 --> 00:08:59,931 That's easy for you to say. 192 00:08:59,965 --> 00:09:01,432 Look, baby steps. 193 00:09:01,466 --> 00:09:04,502 It's just... sharing parts of your body 194 00:09:04,536 --> 00:09:06,337 with... with a stranger. 195 00:09:06,371 --> 00:09:09,040 It's... you know, it's not scary. I... it's hot. 196 00:09:09,074 --> 00:09:10,975 It's scary. 197 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,777 I mean, how many more merit badges 198 00:09:12,811 --> 00:09:14,578 do I have to earn until I'm gay enough? 199 00:09:24,589 --> 00:09:25,890 Hey, mom! 200 00:09:25,924 --> 00:09:27,525 Wow. You look great. 201 00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:29,226 Hope the drive wasn't too long. 202 00:09:29,261 --> 00:09:31,395 I thought you were just a few months along. 203 00:09:31,430 --> 00:09:33,664 Why do you already look so pregnant? 204 00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:36,133 I'm not even showing. 205 00:09:36,168 --> 00:09:38,669 You are in your face. 206 00:09:38,704 --> 00:09:40,204 Welcome. 207 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,577 So, it works like this... 208 00:09:46,611 --> 00:09:48,145 someone's gonna come up to you 209 00:09:48,180 --> 00:09:50,014 and ask you what you're into. 210 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:53,351 And if you're into him, then you go off and explore. 211 00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:56,754 What, uh... am I into? 212 00:09:56,788 --> 00:09:58,756 I feel so bad for breeders. 213 00:09:58,790 --> 00:10:01,325 Being gay is like living in a buffet. 214 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,194 Who doesn't love a buffet? 215 00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:06,464 All that meat under the hot lights and the sneeze guard. 216 00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:10,134 Nice day, huh? 217 00:10:10,168 --> 00:10:11,602 Let's take a walk. 218 00:10:11,636 --> 00:10:13,104 Joaquin. 219 00:10:13,138 --> 00:10:15,873 Let's take a walk, Joaquin. 220 00:10:18,844 --> 00:10:21,946 And people say romance is dead. 221 00:10:26,284 --> 00:10:27,952 Where are my cruditÃf©s? 222 00:10:27,986 --> 00:10:30,654 If you want carrots, just say you want goddamn carrots. 223 00:10:32,057 --> 00:10:33,224 Hey. 224 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:35,226 My mom's here. Please act like we're happy. 225 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,428 I mean, look at all this space. 226 00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:38,796 Hey! Bev! 227 00:10:38,830 --> 00:10:40,831 Tara and I are really happy to see you. 228 00:10:40,866 --> 00:10:42,533 We're... we're happy in general. 229 00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:44,635 What do you think of a big chandelier 230 00:10:44,669 --> 00:10:46,504 right in the middle of this room? 231 00:10:46,538 --> 00:10:48,739 Oh, yeah... lots of glass. Babies love glass. 232 00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:52,843 Carrots? Celery? 233 00:10:52,878 --> 00:10:55,246 Delicious ranch dip? 234 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,915 Neil. 235 00:10:57,949 --> 00:10:59,850 Neil? 236 00:10:59,885 --> 00:11:00,851 Hello. 237 00:11:00,886 --> 00:11:02,286 Come on, mom. 238 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,921 I'll, uh, I'll show you the rest of the house. 239 00:11:09,628 --> 00:11:12,163 I'll go get some radishes, too. 240 00:11:19,771 --> 00:11:22,840 You don't have to look away. 241 00:11:22,874 --> 00:11:24,575 No. Sorry. 242 00:11:24,609 --> 00:11:29,313 Your, um, your lunch looks... 243 00:11:29,347 --> 00:11:30,748 I'm sure it's good. 244 00:11:30,782 --> 00:11:32,283 It is good. 245 00:11:42,594 --> 00:11:46,163 This... this place is really weird. 246 00:11:46,198 --> 00:11:47,698 So, you want to come back here 247 00:11:47,732 --> 00:11:49,100 so I can introduce you to my cock? 248 00:11:49,134 --> 00:11:51,836 Sorry, fella. He's with me. 249 00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:53,471 I'm his father. 250 00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:56,507 Boy, this is an embarrassing mix-up, huh, son? 251 00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:59,110 I'll say... pop. 252 00:11:59,144 --> 00:12:02,713 We should get home before mom... shows up here, too. 253 00:12:02,747 --> 00:12:04,215 Right. 254 00:12:04,249 --> 00:12:05,649 God. 255 00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:09,920 Don't slam the door, Tara. 256 00:12:09,955 --> 00:12:12,623 Such unnecessary noise. 257 00:12:12,657 --> 00:12:14,492 Sit down, mom. 258 00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:18,028 Well, you've certainly gotten yourself into a mess, Charmaine. 259 00:12:18,063 --> 00:12:19,830 Mom, while we have you here, I wanted to ask... 260 00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,332 Catting around with one man 261 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:22,533 while wearing another man's ring. 262 00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:23,767 "Catting"? Who says "catting"? 263 00:12:23,802 --> 00:12:25,035 I know... everybody does it. 264 00:12:25,070 --> 00:12:26,637 Mom, who's Mimi? 265 00:12:26,671 --> 00:12:28,973 Mimi who? 266 00:12:29,007 --> 00:12:31,308 I think there was a Mimi around when we were kids... 267 00:12:31,343 --> 00:12:34,311 Tara, if you could just share the stage for one minute, 268 00:12:34,346 --> 00:12:37,715 I came here to do damage control on your sister's life 269 00:12:37,749 --> 00:12:39,083 and plan a wedding. 270 00:12:39,117 --> 00:12:40,651 It's a full afternoon. 271 00:12:40,685 --> 00:12:42,386 Well, I'm actually trying to do damage control 272 00:12:42,420 --> 00:12:43,854 on all our lives, mom. 273 00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:46,357 If you'd just... answer the question. 274 00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:49,026 I've been trying to... 275 00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:52,563 I don't know... reconstruct my childhood, 276 00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:53,797 and I... 277 00:12:53,832 --> 00:12:55,966 Oh, not that again. 278 00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:57,067 Oh, God. 279 00:12:57,102 --> 00:12:59,737 No, it's not again, mom. 280 00:12:59,771 --> 00:13:01,839 This is something I've never... 281 00:13:01,873 --> 00:13:04,942 I've never asked anyone. 282 00:13:04,976 --> 00:13:07,378 I keep remembering a, um... 283 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,313 I keep remembering a 4th of July parade 284 00:13:09,347 --> 00:13:10,681 and a woman named Mimi. 285 00:13:10,715 --> 00:13:12,049 Now, who is she? 286 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,884 Charmaine, you know your sister is ill, 287 00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:16,020 but you're the one who's in trouble, miss, 288 00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:17,855 and you're just letting her go on and on 289 00:13:17,889 --> 00:13:20,357 about all these stupid little things. 290 00:13:20,392 --> 00:13:22,726 God, mom. Why won't you just answer the question? 291 00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:24,762 That's why I'm here? 292 00:13:24,796 --> 00:13:27,565 To play some twisted game of "insane family jeopardy"? 293 00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:28,566 Oh, God! 294 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,334 This is not a game, mom. 295 00:13:30,368 --> 00:13:33,304 I'm am finally figuring out where I... what I come from, 296 00:13:33,338 --> 00:13:34,905 and that's sane! 297 00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:36,273 It's always the mother, isn't it? 298 00:13:37,676 --> 00:13:40,744 I know, I know. I didn't read to you two enough. 299 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,413 And I didn't breast-feed. 300 00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,848 None of my girlfriends were breast-feeding. 301 00:13:44,883 --> 00:13:47,418 No one, okay? So shoot me! 302 00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:50,221 I'm not blaming you, mom. 303 00:13:50,255 --> 00:13:54,325 I'm just asking, who is Mimi? 304 00:13:54,359 --> 00:13:57,361 I don't know, okay? Maybe a babysitter. 305 00:13:57,395 --> 00:13:59,930 Everyone, stop! Alert the press! 306 00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:02,499 Beverly Craine hired a babysitter once or twice. 307 00:14:02,534 --> 00:14:04,768 What does it all mean? 308 00:14:07,038 --> 00:14:08,772 Oh, thank you. 309 00:14:10,508 --> 00:14:11,942 Thank you! That's very helpful! 310 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:17,531 I keep imagining a little girl with 311 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,869 your long, lovely hair and... 312 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,837 Neil's face. 313 00:14:25,607 --> 00:14:27,508 Aw, honey. 314 00:14:27,542 --> 00:14:30,377 You're so pretty. 315 00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:34,047 But you've always made decisions like an ugly girl. 316 00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:37,317 I want to take you to see the Joffrey Ballet. 317 00:14:37,352 --> 00:14:40,654 In Chicago? Yeah, that'd be fun. 318 00:14:40,688 --> 00:14:42,689 But this is for tomorrow night. 319 00:14:42,724 --> 00:14:45,459 Would you need to check in with your parents? 320 00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:47,327 Are they gonna meet me and wonder 321 00:14:47,362 --> 00:14:48,529 what some strange old guy's doing in your life? 322 00:14:48,563 --> 00:14:49,696 No. 323 00:14:49,731 --> 00:14:51,498 My mom's a strange old guy sometimes. 324 00:14:51,533 --> 00:14:52,633 Let's go. 325 00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:54,234 Pack a few things. 326 00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:56,637 I'll call the peninsula and book us a suite. 327 00:14:59,541 --> 00:15:01,108 I'm sorry... it's just... 328 00:15:01,142 --> 00:15:03,677 I've had a lot of skeevy guys bossing me around, 329 00:15:03,711 --> 00:15:07,080 and it kind of makes the food come up in my... in my gullet. 330 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,149 I'm... I'm sorry. 331 00:15:09,184 --> 00:15:12,953 No! I mean, you're not a skeevy guy. 332 00:15:19,494 --> 00:15:21,829 Jesus. 333 00:15:21,863 --> 00:15:22,830 Wow. 334 00:15:22,864 --> 00:15:24,865 Um, this... 335 00:15:24,899 --> 00:15:27,835 this really is a... a teenager's room. 336 00:15:27,869 --> 00:15:32,206 Uh, this... this is not a room for an adult to be in. 337 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,574 No. 338 00:15:33,608 --> 00:15:36,043 No, I promise you, this is not me anymore. 339 00:15:36,077 --> 00:15:38,779 I was a little girl when I wanted it pink, and I just haven't... 340 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,248 Um... I... I meant me. 341 00:15:42,383 --> 00:15:45,319 This is not a room for... for me to be in. 342 00:15:46,754 --> 00:15:48,956 I'm 27. I don't even know what I was thinking. 343 00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:52,659 I... I... I have to get out of here. 344 00:15:55,430 --> 00:15:56,997 Look, I bought you these earrings. 345 00:15:57,031 --> 00:15:58,966 You should still have them. 346 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,534 And... and... and keep the tickets. 347 00:16:00,568 --> 00:16:01,668 No! 348 00:16:01,703 --> 00:16:03,537 No, you don't have to go to the ballet. 349 00:16:03,571 --> 00:16:06,440 You can just... put them on your bulletin board. 350 00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:12,312 Oh, my God. You have a bulletin board. 351 00:16:35,123 --> 00:16:37,157 Hey. 352 00:16:37,192 --> 00:16:39,026 Hey. 353 00:16:39,060 --> 00:16:41,462 You okay? 354 00:16:41,496 --> 00:16:43,230 Yeah. 355 00:16:43,265 --> 00:16:44,899 Just, you know, my mom. 356 00:16:44,933 --> 00:16:46,600 Oh, yeah, I saw. 357 00:16:48,837 --> 00:16:49,504 You know, when I was little, 358 00:16:49,538 --> 00:16:52,073 I got this, uh, Leif Garrett album... 359 00:16:52,607 --> 00:16:54,742 "I was made for dancing." 360 00:16:56,177 --> 00:16:57,912 But there must have been a fuck-up at the factory, 361 00:16:57,946 --> 00:17:01,482 because when I got it home and played it, 362 00:17:01,516 --> 00:17:03,417 it was Black Sabbath. 363 00:17:03,451 --> 00:17:04,785 Nice! 364 00:17:04,819 --> 00:17:08,489 So I exchanged it and got a new one. 365 00:17:10,258 --> 00:17:11,692 And it didn't matter. 366 00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:14,094 Every time I looked at Leif's happy face, 367 00:17:15,098 --> 00:17:16,534 that's what it's like... 368 00:17:18,068 --> 00:17:19,469 seeing my mom. 369 00:17:22,506 --> 00:17:24,874 Well, you know, I... 370 00:17:24,908 --> 00:17:27,343 I can't give you "I was made for dancing." 371 00:17:28,445 --> 00:17:30,647 But... I can give you this. 372 00:17:33,050 --> 00:17:34,584 What is it? 373 00:17:34,618 --> 00:17:37,787 The papers that Nick's friend sent over for me to sign 374 00:17:37,821 --> 00:17:39,789 to promise, you know, 375 00:17:39,823 --> 00:17:42,392 I'd stay out of our daughter's life. 376 00:17:44,828 --> 00:17:48,831 I... I want you to be happy, Charmaine. 377 00:17:50,534 --> 00:17:52,068 I hope this helps. 378 00:17:54,838 --> 00:17:57,273 I should... get back inside. 379 00:18:03,981 --> 00:18:07,383 Uh, promise me one thing, would you? 380 00:18:07,418 --> 00:18:08,785 What? 381 00:18:08,819 --> 00:18:11,087 You know, if she ever looks in the mirror 382 00:18:11,121 --> 00:18:14,857 and... and realizes that she's not Nick's, 383 00:18:14,892 --> 00:18:18,161 uh, don't say bad things about me. 384 00:18:18,195 --> 00:18:22,198 You know, tell her I was a good guy. 385 00:18:22,232 --> 00:18:24,434 You know, lie. 386 00:18:33,711 --> 00:18:35,712 I don't know what your future plans are, 387 00:18:35,746 --> 00:18:37,380 but that back office would make 388 00:18:37,414 --> 00:18:39,282 a great extra bedroom for kids, maybe. 389 00:18:39,316 --> 00:18:40,983 - How are the schools? - They're great. 390 00:18:41,018 --> 00:18:43,052 Both of my kids go to public school. 391 00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:46,122 My daughter's a senior... top of the class. 392 00:18:46,156 --> 00:18:48,858 And next year, she's off to Brown... pre-med. 393 00:18:53,097 --> 00:18:55,698 I can just see that you two really love each other. 394 00:18:55,733 --> 00:19:00,002 And this house would just make a great place to start a life. 395 00:19:00,037 --> 00:19:02,371 Hmm. An even better place to end one. 396 00:19:03,574 --> 00:19:04,941 That's... that's Alice. 397 00:19:04,975 --> 00:19:06,576 That's terrific. That's funny, Alice. 398 00:19:06,610 --> 00:19:09,645 Alice, these are some people who might... 399 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,114 Sorry? 400 00:19:11,148 --> 00:19:13,249 Oh, this is a great place die. 401 00:19:13,283 --> 00:19:14,817 Did anyone disclose to you 402 00:19:14,852 --> 00:19:17,220 that the previous owner... poor Don... 403 00:19:17,254 --> 00:19:19,856 splattered his brains all over the walls? 404 00:19:19,890 --> 00:19:22,959 Yes, this was the house he always wanted to die in, 405 00:19:22,993 --> 00:19:26,162 and, boy, did he ever do it. 406 00:19:26,196 --> 00:19:29,031 I want to thank all of you for coming here today to mourn. 407 00:19:29,066 --> 00:19:31,868 I know the family would appreciate it, too. 408 00:19:31,902 --> 00:19:34,103 Don was a beautiful man. 409 00:19:34,138 --> 00:19:36,038 We loved him so. 410 00:19:36,073 --> 00:19:37,874 What the hell is going on here? 411 00:19:37,908 --> 00:19:40,143 Uh, that's my wife. She's acting a little goofy. 412 00:19:40,177 --> 00:19:42,979 Goofy? There's nothing goofy about what's happening here. 413 00:19:43,013 --> 00:19:44,514 It's tragic, is what it is. 414 00:19:44,548 --> 00:19:46,382 Shame all the sugary vanilla smells 415 00:19:46,416 --> 00:19:48,151 can't take away the stink of the death. 416 00:19:48,185 --> 00:19:52,188 No. No, that's just baked in. 417 00:19:52,222 --> 00:19:53,823 Well. Tara. 418 00:19:55,092 --> 00:19:58,127 This is wonderful... really wonderful. 419 00:19:58,162 --> 00:20:01,130 Just look at you. 420 00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:05,401 I guess you already know who Mimi Parmeter is, don't you? 421 00:20:05,435 --> 00:20:07,370 Well, good for you. 422 00:20:07,404 --> 00:20:09,405 Max, would you please get her out of here? 423 00:20:09,439 --> 00:20:12,408 These people don't need to see this. 424 00:20:12,442 --> 00:20:14,477 Oh. I understand. 425 00:20:14,511 --> 00:20:15,745 Manners. 426 00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:18,414 Things better left behind closed doors. 427 00:20:18,448 --> 00:20:20,650 However, if you check your etiquette handbook, 428 00:20:20,684 --> 00:20:22,985 as I frequently do, I think you'll find 429 00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:25,421 that most of the experts agree... 430 00:20:25,455 --> 00:20:31,494 a mother should never lie to her own children. 431 00:20:31,528 --> 00:20:33,729 My darling, do me one favor when you become a parent. 432 00:20:33,764 --> 00:20:36,499 Do not follow in this one's easy spirits. 433 00:20:36,533 --> 00:20:39,268 Because people need to know what's real 434 00:20:39,303 --> 00:20:42,205 and what's a horrible fun-house mirror 435 00:20:42,239 --> 00:20:45,041 meant to confuse and confound. 436 00:20:45,075 --> 00:20:47,276 People need to know. 437 00:20:47,311 --> 00:20:50,446 That was very, very rude, Tara. 438 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,415 Stop it. You know that's not Tara. 439 00:20:52,449 --> 00:20:53,850 I'm going home! 440 00:20:53,884 --> 00:20:56,953 I'm sick of all this craziness. 441 00:21:01,859 --> 00:21:05,094 Tell Nick to give me a call. We'll talk about the house. 442 00:21:05,128 --> 00:21:06,696 Well, Max... 443 00:21:06,730 --> 00:21:08,464 shall we split a cookie? 444 00:21:15,572 --> 00:21:19,108 I... I actually like the World War I museum. 445 00:21:19,142 --> 00:21:21,844 I... can never go back there. 446 00:21:21,879 --> 00:21:25,214 I've ruined World War I for myself. 447 00:21:25,249 --> 00:21:27,183 I don't... 448 00:21:27,217 --> 00:21:29,585 I don't know how to be gay. 449 00:21:29,620 --> 00:21:32,288 I... I used to think that I was something else, 450 00:21:32,322 --> 00:21:36,025 like they'd make a whole new category for me. 451 00:21:36,059 --> 00:21:38,628 I like guys, but... 452 00:21:38,662 --> 00:21:41,430 I like old films just as much. 453 00:21:41,465 --> 00:21:43,833 I don't know what to call that. 454 00:21:43,867 --> 00:21:47,270 I think it's still called "gay." 455 00:21:47,304 --> 00:21:52,842 When I was young, cruising's what we all did. 456 00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:56,913 I was so full of shame and anger. 457 00:21:56,947 --> 00:21:59,482 My therapist called it "shanger." 458 00:21:59,516 --> 00:22:01,117 Is that what it feels like to you? 459 00:22:01,151 --> 00:22:06,088 Um, I'd really rather not have to use a word called "shanger." 460 00:22:07,991 --> 00:22:10,192 Wouldn't you rather fall in love, Marshall? 461 00:22:10,227 --> 00:22:14,730 Wouldn't you rather be 16 and in love? 462 00:22:14,765 --> 00:22:17,667 I marched on Washington and shopped on Christopher Street 463 00:22:17,701 --> 00:22:19,602 so you'd have the choice to do that 464 00:22:19,636 --> 00:22:23,005 instead of, you know, going to that park 465 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,108 and getting off on servicing strangers. 466 00:22:28,812 --> 00:22:32,682 I'm not gonna tell your parents about this, all right? 467 00:22:32,716 --> 00:22:33,683 Thanks. 468 00:22:33,717 --> 00:22:35,518 But, um... 469 00:22:35,552 --> 00:22:37,420 I also think they'd be creeped out 470 00:22:37,454 --> 00:22:39,255 if I told them you were there. 471 00:22:42,526 --> 00:22:44,894 Sounds like a deal, then. 472 00:22:48,432 --> 00:22:51,200 So, what do we do now? 473 00:22:51,234 --> 00:22:53,803 What can we do? 474 00:22:53,837 --> 00:22:57,473 Can't just sit around waiting for mom not to be a liar. 475 00:22:57,507 --> 00:22:59,909 I mean, she'll say, "hey, I'm telling the truth now," 476 00:22:59,943 --> 00:23:01,477 and she'll still be lying. 477 00:23:04,081 --> 00:23:05,815 You still look like Alice. 478 00:23:09,019 --> 00:23:11,053 By the way, thank her for me. 479 00:23:11,088 --> 00:23:12,822 She scared those people away. 480 00:23:12,856 --> 00:23:15,358 Guess she wants me to live next door to you guys. 481 00:23:15,392 --> 00:23:17,259 Keep an eye on you. 482 00:23:17,294 --> 00:23:19,929 Keep an eye on you. 483 00:23:22,699 --> 00:23:25,201 Mimi Parmeter. 484 00:23:26,970 --> 00:23:29,138 Well, at least we have a last name. 485 00:23:30,674 --> 00:23:33,476 You know what? I could find Mimi myself. 486 00:23:33,510 --> 00:23:35,344 Okay. 487 00:23:35,379 --> 00:23:38,414 How do we do that? 488 00:23:38,448 --> 00:23:40,149 "We"? 489 00:23:44,654 --> 00:23:47,923 I think she lived in a yellow house. 490 00:23:47,958 --> 00:23:50,559 Okay, well, that narrows it down. 491 00:23:50,594 --> 00:23:53,929 So, you should get a map of America, 492 00:23:53,964 --> 00:23:56,665 and I'll get a color wheel. 493 00:24:07,411 --> 00:24:09,812 Fancy meeting you here. 494 00:24:13,150 --> 00:24:15,651 Hey, do you know anyone who's happy? 495 00:24:17,087 --> 00:24:18,654 No. 496 00:24:18,688 --> 00:24:21,223 Do you know anyone who's in love? 497 00:24:22,692 --> 00:24:23,993 Mom and dad, maybe? 498 00:24:24,027 --> 00:24:24,994 Yeah. 499 00:24:25,028 --> 00:24:27,630 And they're miserable. 500 00:24:27,664 --> 00:24:29,832 But they can't survive without each other, 501 00:24:29,866 --> 00:24:33,035 so it doesn't make a difference if they're in love or not. 502 00:24:35,872 --> 00:24:38,074 I'm gonna have something different. 503 00:24:38,108 --> 00:24:40,209 Then go for it. 504 00:24:40,243 --> 00:24:42,378 But just so you know, 505 00:24:42,412 --> 00:24:44,814 everybody's hooking up with each other 506 00:24:44,848 --> 00:24:47,116 because they want to take things. 507 00:24:47,150 --> 00:24:51,420 It's a car or... a trampoline... 508 00:24:51,455 --> 00:24:55,057 or... happiness. 509 00:24:55,092 --> 00:24:57,460 They're all things. 510 00:24:57,494 --> 00:24:59,728 Everyone's a taker. 511 00:24:59,763 --> 00:25:01,730 Everything's a thing. 512 00:25:01,765 --> 00:25:04,567 When did you become an expert? 513 00:25:04,601 --> 00:25:07,636 I am very wise, Marshall Gay Hardon. 514 00:25:07,671 --> 00:25:09,171 I'm full of wisdom. 515 00:25:09,206 --> 00:25:10,806 You wearing earrings to bed? 516 00:25:10,841 --> 00:25:14,376 It's what I'm doing now, yes. 517 00:25:21,918 --> 00:25:23,486 Marshall's downstairs, 518 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,121 and I just don't want to freak the kids out anymore. 519 00:25:25,155 --> 00:25:27,656 I was gonna let you sleep up here anyway. 520 00:25:27,691 --> 00:25:29,558 Climb aboard. 521 00:25:41,805 --> 00:25:43,939 Big mistake. 522 00:25:43,974 --> 00:25:46,008 Pammy... huge mistake. 523 00:25:47,244 --> 00:25:48,611 I know. 524 00:25:51,281 --> 00:25:53,249 I know, honey. 525 00:25:54,985 --> 00:25:58,220 Thanks to my fucking fucked-up childhood, 526 00:25:58,255 --> 00:26:00,489 all I do all day is run around breaking eggs, 527 00:26:00,524 --> 00:26:04,093 so I can't really blame people for trying to make omelets. 528 00:26:05,962 --> 00:26:08,664 You can blame me a little. 529 00:26:08,698 --> 00:26:11,834 All right, I'll blame you a little. 530 00:26:13,837 --> 00:26:16,205 But I also forgive you. 531 00:26:16,239 --> 00:26:17,940 Really? 532 00:26:17,974 --> 00:26:19,041 Yeah. 533 00:26:19,075 --> 00:26:20,976 I mean, no one knows better than me 534 00:26:21,011 --> 00:26:24,780 what Pammy has to offer to a soul in a weakened condition. 535 00:26:29,186 --> 00:26:31,320 And life is long. 536 00:26:33,823 --> 00:26:36,392 And you're my man. 537 00:26:38,662 --> 00:26:40,729 I forgive you. 538 00:26:55,512 --> 00:26:57,044 You fucked my Pammy! 539 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:58,914 You do not get away with that, motherfucker! 540 00:26:58,949 --> 00:27:00,382 Buck! Buck! T... Tara forgave me. 541 00:27:00,417 --> 00:27:01,984 She forgave me! She forgave me! 542 00:27:02,018 --> 00:27:03,819 Well, guess what. I ain't Tara. 543 00:27:04,221 --> 00:27:06,522 Stop it! Stop it, Buck! 544 00:27:06,556 --> 00:27:07,856 Get off me! 545 00:27:07,891 --> 00:27:10,025 Get the fuck off me! 546 00:27:12,429 --> 00:27:15,464 You better not think this is over, Max, 'cause it ain't. 547 00:27:15,498 --> 00:27:17,333 I fuckin' loved her, man. 548 00:27:17,367 --> 00:27:22,367